The State That I Am In

I guess it started just after Labor Day.   What has traditionally been my very favorite week on the Cape turned ugly.  It was cold and rainy non-stop from Monday night until I got up to go to work on Friday.   This replaced the usually stunning warm days and cool nights so typical of the entire month of September when the collective End Of Season sigh settles over the town and everyone’s happy and the weather cooperates with days of surreal clarity.   Not so much this year.  It rained.  And rained.

And then Tropical Storm Irene’s effects were brought front and center.  While there was very little immediate damage from the storm, the after-effects of 60mph winds blowing salt water on to the trees became obvious.   Fall came instantly, ugly and early.    There was no rain during the storm to rinse the green leaves and so, what were normally the most vibrant colors of the summer, became brown, crusty and dull, zapped by Harbor moisture kicked-up by the wind.

And then people began to leave and businesses phased into their abbreviated fall schedules.   Town got quiet.  The stunning warm days of September were replaced by clouds and wind and haze and humidity.   I followed suit.

My weekly trip to the bank to deposit my earnings became less and less pleasurable, fading into almost a sense of dread.   Dwindling tips were luckily replaced by some ad hoc hosting gigs at Devon’s to help out a co-worker.   But the writing was on the wall and in the wallet…the end of summer was upon me and my self-sufficiency would need to be re-examined.

Add these things to the fact that the best, happiets, craziest, funnest summer of my life was quickly coming to a close and it’s easy to understand why I might be a bit down.

But then this past weekend, I worked an event that reminded me that anything is possible on this tiny spit of sand way out in the ocean.   I “shadowed” the catering company’s owner, watching him set up and organize.  I tended bar on the lawn of the museum and saw, in one single evening, most of the friends I had made this summer.  I had never tended bar before.  I was fine with it.  I didn’t stress.  I made the Museum Director a fabulous cocktail for which she was very complimentary.   It occurred to me when I got home that I did all of this without worry or angst or hesitation.  I did it because I was interested in the event, its designer, the cause, the night, my friends, the pay and because I had no fear of being out-of-place or out-of-station.

Once again Provincetown provides on so many levels.   I have my sense of self back.  My self-confidence is secure.   I can do whatever I want.   I’m free for the first time in my life and it feels so very incredible.   It’s not without fears (nor should it be), but it’s mine and I’m going to go  with it.

Thanks Goddess, Universe, Buddha, Whitney and the all ye who conspired to get me here.    I’ll not disappoint.